If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.