A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’