I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Whisper out to librarians!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.