Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*