It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Whisper out to librarians!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.