Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.