‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.