i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.