I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.