I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”