Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.