Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.