If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”