Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.