“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.