If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.