My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.