“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.