My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Baller is short for ballerina
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.