Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Life is a suicide mission.