There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
i was baptized in a car wash
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.