My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.