Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”