My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”