I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.