For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.