*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Does your wife know you’re single?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.