I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.