Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*