“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*