I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.