You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.