Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.