A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.