“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!