My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.