“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.