I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.