Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”