“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Does your wife know you’re single?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong