Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.