This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.