Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.