I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Baller is short for ballerina
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure