Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?