HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”