A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.