I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.