I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.