A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”